Uncovering Trauma

Is anyone else’s FYP on TikTok just therapy videos?

Before you go any further, please know I don’t have any degree or formal education in psychology. I’ve just been in therapy for a few years total and I love reading about psychology. These posts are just my perspectives on my life that I share to hopefully heal something inside of me and let others relate. After all, we should not be ashamed of our trauma or mental illnesses.

I didn’t realize that I suffered from things that were considered trauma until last year. I know my upbringing wasn’t normal, but I didn’t really understand what trauma was. I was constantly told I didn’t suffer by family members simply because they didn’t see my suffering or because I didn’t suffer the way they did. In fact, I still have some family members tell me that I was “protected” or talk to me about their childhood as if I had it easy. They talk down to me like I was the spoiled one who was living in luxury and coddled and loved unconditionally. It’s really hard to hear someone try to belittle my truth over and over and over again.

It was around this time last year that I realized I needed to get out of the environment I was in because I was just continuously going through traumatic events and my reactions were getting more and more severe. My will to continue was wavering, not that I ever felt that I would act on it, but I had so many days where I just wished I didn’t exist, and my anxiety was at an all time high. When I finally got out and got my own safe space, it was shocking. It was emotional and exhausting because now I was facing all the truths about my life that I had to suppress to stay somewhat okay. I thought I would feel free right away, but I didn’t. I felt so anxious. I was finally in a space where I wasn’t in constant survival mode.

I started therapy again shortly after moving into my own home and I’m still going. It has been so beneficial for my journey to discovering who I am, what I want, and healing.

I recently realized a lot of my responses stem from trauma that happened throughout my childhood. Sometimes I feel like my whole personality is a trauma response. It can be exhausting.

Something that I’m working on is standing up for my inner child. If you haven’t heard of your inner child, you’re not alone. It was relatively new to me as well. The way I think of my inner child is the younger version of myself that was hurt, neglected, and/or traumatized. My response to certain situations is the little girl inside of me responding to whatever is happening. I need to show her that I’ve got her back. I need to show her that’s she’s safe and she’s strong and that she can learn new responses. But it’s hard. It’s especially hard when it comes to family members. When the ones you’re closest to have caused the most trauma and now you have to face them and stand up for yourself because no one else has stood up for you in the way you needed. Now the only one who can stand up for you is you and you need to do that in order to grow and heal. You need to stand up for your younger self. Show them that you have their back. It’s hard, though. How do you stand up to the people you love? Aren’t they going to be mad?

In a lot of our situations we notice that the one’s hurting us don’t see how their actions are harmful because maybe they haven’t healed from their own trauma and now they’re reacting from it and we’re taking the brunt of it. They might not realize that the trauma they went through created responses in their brain that they didn’t correct because they didn’t know, and so for them it’s a normal reaction and justified, but for us it’s creating trauma and/or anxiety. I’m not sure I worded that correctly.

I would say that’s a big part of my childhood. My parents had their own traumas that they didn’t heal from and when we don’t heal, we’re not our best selves because we’re constantly acting out of fight or flight. Or maybe it’s that the child that was traumatized is still in them and it’s acting out because it doesn’t see that it’s no longer in danger.

Maybe I can explain it better from my own experience. Before I do, I want to say if anyone personally knows me on here, I am trying to stay more anonymous. I originally wanted to share this with people who knew me, but I got tired of speaking in circles trying to protect my family. All I ever wanted was to speak my truth without exposing my family or hurting them. So to do that, I tried to delete anything that has me on this blog. So if you know me, of course you can reach out to me, but please don’t look at my family as if they’re still the people you’re reading about in this post.

My parents were alcoholics for my entire childhood. My mom stopped drinking when I was in the middle of high school and my dad will probably drink until the day that he dies. They hated each other. So not only was I growing up in a very hostile home where I tried to keep the peace, I was growing up with two people who were emotionally stunted and under the influence, so they couldn’t think logically. That meant I had to constantly try to read their emotions and over think every single thing I did before I did it so they wouldn’t lash out at each other or me. That created a lot of issues for me mentally because that’s not a safe environment for a child or really anyone to be in. So fast forward to today, as a young adult, I find myself still trying to read peoples emotions and altering my true self to avoid having someone lash out on me. I have very strong emotions to very small things and I’m a perfectionist because I always wanted to make sure I was doing everything right to avoid criticism. I was the youngest by quite a few years so I grew up as more of an only child and in that environment at some points I had to raise myself and take care of myself emotionally, even though physically my parents were present. I would get protective of my parents because of the fighting. I never noticed that was due to my childhood until I was in therapy. I think often we don’t realize the affect trauma may have on us.

As I have come to recognize what was traumatic in my life and how I might have responded to it or still do, it’s allowing me to grow and change my responses. I can identify the cause and change the response with a lot of work. It takes time, but it’s so worth it. I have stopped trying to prove to people that my childhood was hard, if they don’t understand then that’s okay. It’s not my job to make people understand. Everyone has their own perspective. What’s important is that I take control of my own life from this point forward.

People/videos/or books that have helped me:

  1. The book The Body Keeps the Score: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=asc_df_0143127748/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312049124368&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=16838062154693086705&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9007971&hvtargid=pla-434690707169&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61851652213&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312049124368&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=16838062154693086705&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9007971&hvtargid=pla-434690707169
  2. Adult Children of Alcoholics: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1625170629&sr=1-3
  3. The Truth Doctor on TikTok and Instagram
  4. Micheline Maalouf on TikTok and Instagram
  5. Kayln Nicholson on Youtube

I have a lot more to talk about. My relationship with my parents, my family dynamic, my struggle maintaining genuine friendships, my struggle with school, hard memories I still carry from my childhood, so on and so on. Some days it’s easier to type than others. Some times I just draw a blank and can’t think of anything to share.

-Thanks for reading!

Published by Elliana

I feel passionate about every thing I post. Mental health, puppies, the earth, and businesses with morals! I hope to be as real and open as I can be with you. My main goal is to spread positive vibes!

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