I was in a big funk last week. I felt like I was suddenly in a state of depression. It seemed so sudden, but looking back I feel like it was coming for a while. I’ve been struggling with anxiety really bad this year, worse than previous years, I think. When I talked to my therapist yesterday I told her about it and she asked if there was something that may have triggered it, but I honestly couldn’t remember. There were so many thoughts in my head, constantly. I have weeks where I might feel a bit down, or days where I don’t feel the best. I haven’t been in a deep depression in a couple of years, besides my winter depression, that sucks, too. But I mean like can’t get out of bed kind of depression.
When I get anxious I tend to want to cuddle up with my pups and watch a light hearted show. But on Wednesday last week, I worked out and felt great. Then, as soon as I got into the shower I felt so down. I legitimately felt like all I could do was lay in bed all day. I even brought my work to bed so I didn’t miss any work. I felt like bed was where I felt the comfiest. It was a theme, whether I woke up with or without anxiety, I worked out and felt great but once I showered it felt like the water washed the happiness away.
Friday was the hardest. I felt ROUGH. I was SO unhappy with myself. I was so mad at myself for being anxious all of the time, I was easily irritable and I was trying SO hard to be happy that I was exhausted by 4pm. I was so drained from fighting against myself all day.
Saturday was a little more clear. I woke up okay, worked out, showered, and felt anxious. We decided to ride around for a little bit and about 15 minutes into the ride I was talking away, telling stories from when I was little that warmed my heart and made me laugh. I have felt pretty good ever since. In fact, I haven’t felt nearly as anxious. I feel like I hit that point where all the change I was working on really came to a head and then I fought it and came out better. I’m not perfect, but I feel good.
Although when you have anxiety, you’re very aware that this may just be a temporary feeling. I could easily be anxious again tomorrow, and that’s OKAY.
I’ve noticed a lot of people posting about being in a funk in a Facebook group I am in. They struggle getting out of bed. Some days they just don’t get out of bed. They feel alone. They don’t know how to get better. I wish I could help them, but I am very familiar with the feeling of not knowing how to get better. Sometimes all we can do is go through the motions. Celebrate little wins. Try to do things you would do if you felt okay. Something else that I think is important is to know it is absolutely okay to not be okay. It is okay to be in a funk. You are not less lovable because you’re depressed. You are not horrible or disgusting or disappointing. You are lovable, beautiful, and incredibly human. It’s totally okay to be in a funk.
When I was in my funk I felt so unlovable. I felt like a miserable piece of shit, to be honest. Even though my boyfriend understood why I was irritable and upset and even though he told me he loved me regardless I STILL felt like it wasn’t true. I felt like I was a disgusting person. But I’m not. I’m just a person who struggles with anxiety and depression sometimes. I am a person who has gone through some trauma and I’m trying to heal, but healing isn’t always up, it’s down, too. That’s OKAY. You will come out of your funk, I promise you will.
If you’re in a funk I want you to keep trying. Keep trying for you. Keep trying for your loved ones. If you couldn’t get out of bed today – that’s okay. Today was hard, try again tomorrow, and the day after that, and after that, too. There are a lot of beautiful things about you and I’m sorry if you’re in a place where you don’t see it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
If you’re going through a tough time, a tough year, a tough decade, a tough week, day, month, hour, whatever. Keep pushing. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you deserve to get there, you deserve to be happy and free.
I’m incredibly thankful my boyfriend was home from work last week because I’m sure I would’ve stayed in bed all day if he hadn’t encouraged me to get up and not self destruct. If he wasn’t there to wipe my tears away when I told him I think I might be depressed. If he didn’t say, “it was a rough day, but we’ll try again tomorrow.” I know not everyone has that, but if you don’t, let this be that for you. Today might have been rough, but we’ll try again tomorrow. For now we can rest.
That’s the hard part about seeing someone struggle with depression, reason doesn’t always matter because it’s the chemicals in our brain. Even if everything is okay the chemicals don’t care. It’s hard to see someone struggle because it can be scary. We have lost enough beautiful people to mental illnesses, we don’t need to lose you, too.
It’s okay to be in a funk. You aren’t alone, but I know that might not help you right now. I just want everyone who may be in a funk or have been, or will be, know that it is okay. You’re allowed to go through the motions.
I came out of my funk with clarity this time, but that hasn’t always happened. Luckily mine was only a week long, but sometimes it’s months. I came out stronger and you will, too.
I hope everyone is doing great! I know sometimes the holidays can be hard, especially this year! I hope you can find a way to celebrate that makes you feel good. Thanks for reading and follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook!